I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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