i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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