If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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