I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
then he tried to convert me to islam
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
