god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm jealous of your bromance
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
