I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
