he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
