I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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