I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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