you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
