I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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