what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize