I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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