I'm jealous of your bromance
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
