when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
