would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
