i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
