Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
