im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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