only you would photoshop your dick
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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