im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
