Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
