You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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