I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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