I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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