There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You need a sexual gate keeper
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
