Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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