can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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