She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
