apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
