dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
