I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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