Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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