i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
