Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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