i need an iv and a liver transplant
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
