you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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