I faked an abortion last night.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize