my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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