I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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