Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
