Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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