i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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