remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
