we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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