In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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