I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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