It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
