She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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