I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
