I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
