Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize