she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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