One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I want is dick and wine.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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