i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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