How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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