Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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