i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
