I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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