I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
